How People Pleasing Is Destroying Your Life (And How To Stop)
Please stop pleasing.
I popped up from the chair and out of the house, practically sprinting to the shop.
We had run out of Coca-Cola at the family Christmas dinner, and I had to get more.
Ten minutes later, we ran out of bread. I promptly went to get a loaf.
This feeling of ‘I have to help somehow’ often happens with friends, family, and even strangers.
People need something. I fulfill that need.
A friend isn’t ‘OK’. I ask them to come home even when I don’t want to meet.
Someone is uncomfortable in a social setting. I ‘rescue’ them from this discomfort.
Even if it makes me uncomfortable.
Even if the other person isn’t trying to be more comfortable.
When people have a problem or bump into an obstacle, I immediately ‘understand how they feel’ and mold myself to be the solution or offer comfort.
The problem with people-pleasing behaviour is that I always thought I was being noble.
“I’m such a good person. I always put other people first. I give them what they need to feel safe and comfortable.”
That’s bullshit.
The truth is sinister.
The Itch That Can’t Be Scratched
People-pleasing disguises itself as this - I’m a nice person. I just want everyone to be happy.
So, you go out of your way to keep everyone happy.
As a result, you ignore your own needs.
You feel disconnected from yourself.
You’re constantly trying to fill everyone else’s cup, not realizing that yours dried up a long time ago.
And no matter how much ‘good’ you do or how many people you ‘help’, there’s a feeling that it’s never enough.
The truth is, you don’t care about making people happy.
You just want people to like you.
People-pleasing is an insatiable desire to be liked by other people.
It often stems from low self-esteem and outsourcing your sense of self-worth to the approval of others.
However, childhood experiences, cultural conditioning, or certain types of trauma can also lead to such behavior.
Where you seek love and approval at the cost of your comfort, values, and mental health.
I realized (painfully) that it was destroying the quality of my life, and something had to change.
I’m still a recovering people pleaser, and struggle sometimes to put my own needs first.
But once I realized it was negatively affecting me and my relationships, it became easier to notice the pattern and change it.
Here’s what I realized.
1. You Become Inauthentic
When you mold yourself to every situation perfectly, you begin eating away at your authenticity.
You don’t want to stir the pot.
You don’t want conflict.
You’re scared of expressing an opinion that people won’t agree with.
You attend events you want to say no to.
You meet people you’d rather not spend time with.
You do people favors you don’t want to.
You keep quiet when you should speak up.
You allow the world around you to dictate who you are and what you do.
This is a dangerous way to live.
When you regularly do things you don’t want to, your authentic voice starts to fade. You forget what you like and who you are.
And when you act from inauthenticity, you can’t truly respect and love yourself.
And over time, this lack of self-respect and self-love bleeds into every area of your life.
2. You Become Resentful
When you constantly serve other people and ignore your own needs, it plants a seed of hatred within you.
“Why would he ask me to come at 11:00 PM? He knows I sleep at 10:30! What an a**hole!” (me for the longest time, not realizing I can lovingly say no and go to sleep).
You blame others for not recognizing a boundary you haven’t even set.
You please people, so when you need something from someone, they will give it to you.
But here’s the truth: No one owes you anything.
Harsh? Here’s the good part: You don’t owe anyone anything either.
Of course, this doesn’t mean you stop caring about anyone but yourself.
Yes, sometimes, you may be uncomfortable while helping someone out.
Sometimes you need to compromise a need for someone you love.
If you just want to help someone out, it’s called being human. But people pleasing is when you behave inauthentically so people will like you more.
When you constantly mold yourself to the people around you, it eats away at your sense of self.
This erosion of the self makes you angry at other people. You subtly blame them for controlling you or asking you for more than you’re capable of giving.
Not realizing that you put yourself in this situation to begin with.
This resentment is an unpleasant sensation.
You walk around not trusting people because they could ask you for a favor at any time, and you have no choice but to comply.
You want to know a secret?
The person you resent most is yourself.
You hate yourself for being unable to say no.
For not prioritizing a walk in the park instead of a night out with friends.
For being unable to leave a social setting when you want to, because people will feel bad.
And when you resent yourself too long, you will sabotage attempts to improve your life.
Because, why help someone you resent?
3. You Lose Track Of Your Values
The most painful aspect of people pleasing is realizing you don’t know what you value anymore.
You can’t fully trust your decisions because you haven’t listened to your needs for too long.
Soon, you can’t tell if you want to do something because you genuinely want to do it or because someone else wants you to.
When your friends call you to a party, you can’t tell if you want to go for yourself or because you’re a person who agrees to go so your friends will like you.
When someone asks for an hour of your time, you can’t tell if you want to say yes because you want to give them your time or because you’ve always said yes.
And this can be a scary place.
Get Fed Up
Unfortunately, there’s no easy way to stop being a people pleaser.
Your old self must die a cruel death.
Some of you may swing to the other end and put yourself first in every aspect of life until you understand if you’re doing something for others or yourself.
Here’s what you can do.
1. Recognize That People Pleasing Is NOT Being Nice
Stop fooling yourself.
Helping someone so they like you more is not the same as helping someone so they benefit from it. And your motivation makes all the difference.
Spending time with friends you don’t want to be around.
Signing up for activities you’d rather avoid.
And saying yes when you want to say no.
None of this makes you a better person.
If anything, it makes you worse because you aren’t showing up for the people and things you love in the way they need it most.
Guarding your energy from the wrong people, places, and activities ensures you can use it where you want to.
Taking care of your own needs so you can pour from an overflowing cup is the best way to truly help the people you care about.
2. Make It About You
If you’re a chronic people pleaser (guilty), always seeking validation (guilty again), it will be uncomfortable to choose yourself.
You will feel guilty, and your insides will squirm when you do it the first few times.
And it might feel this way several times after as well.
I remember attending a party and asking a friend to come along with me.
She was excited, but midway through the party, she seemed uncomfortable.
I asked her once if everything was alright, and she said she was fine.
But every people pleaser is highly attentive to the moods and feelings of others.
So I knew she wasn’t alright.
Except, being aware of my people-pleasing tendencies, I forced myself to let her be and deal with her feelings by herself.
It was one of the most uncomfortable things I’ve done.
I kept thinking, “I invited her.” “I should talk to her and make sure she’s alright.” “Maybe we should leave if she’s not OK in fifteen minutes.”
Thankfully, I also had the awareness to realize she was an adult.
She can make her own decisions. And if she was having a bad time, she could always leave the party.
While this may sound perfectly logical, I felt guilt and shame for thinking this way. And it made my insides squirm.
But I stuck with acting the right way, and eventually the feeling went away.
What’s better is that she eventually sorted herself out and rejoined the party.
We people pleasers often think of ourselves too highly.
As though we are the saviors, and without us, how will that pitiable human help themselves?
In the bargain, we don’t let people develop the tools to care for themselves.
And this ends up hurting them (and us) more in the long run.
3. Take Small Steps
While reclaiming your power sounds dreamy, it’s not going to be easy.
So at first, you have to take tiny steps.
Next time you’re hanging out with friends and someone needs a favor, force yourself to not volunteer. Uff, it hurts to type that out.
Sit with that feeling.
See that even though someone else volunteered, your friends didn’t alter their behaviour towards you.
And noticing this will give you proof that you don’t always have to serve people for them to like you.
Seeing evidence that you can be loved without abandoning your needs is the most effective way to get rid of this unhealthy craving for the approval of others.
This is one example.
If you’re scared to put yourself first (and yes, it’s fear), practice with low-stakes behaviours first, like saying no to a favor.
Gradually work your way up to saying no to things that seem more difficult.
Leaving a hangout session half an hour earlier than everyone else.
Disagreeing with someone on a topic they care deeply about.
Saying no to a hangout with a distressed friend because you don’t have the emotional bandwidth.
Skipping a party or event you genuinely don’t want to go to.
Each level of reclaiming your power will be accompanied by nerve-wracking fear. But each time you act in alignment with what you truly desire, you will build the courage to put your needs first.
And when you do, you can truly show up and help people in a more wholesome way.
Be Patient
Putting yourself first when you haven’t for most of your life is a strange and painful process.
It’s like trying on new clothes that don’t fit well right now, but you know if you wear them a few times, they’ll eventually smooth out.
So, notice when your people-pleasing tendencies surface and keep them in check.
You are a good human being for putting yourself first.
And once you’re able to take care of yourself, you will be far more efficient at serving other people.
And you can do it from a place of love.
Because now you love yourself, and you don’t need the approval of others as much as you thought.